By Alliance President Terry Gips
The Inaugural Kindness Effect Summit in NY City November 21-22 hosted by the Kindr Foundation was a too-rare, impactful gathering filled with tangible hope for people and possibility for the planet. It’s remarkable to me that Summit creator Rachel Karry and her colleague Jody R. Weiss could assemble such a stellar summit with such brilliant, committed, kind and making a big difference speakers and participants.
As speaker, author and EDLINKS® Founder Sara Truebridge said, “Every once in a blue moon it happens. You go to a conference and find that you’re TRULY surrounded by kindred spirits. The blue moon occurred at the Kindr Foundation Summit in NYC!”
An amazing bonding happened among the hundred or more diverse, cutting-edge and inspiring researchers, psychologists, educators, business leaders and nonprofit heads from across the country. We all shared one simple yet profound goal: making mindful kindness the foundation for thriving workplaces, schools and communities.
Special thanks to everyone at the Kindr Foundation for creating such an uplifting event. You can learn more about them here. My involvement came from my re-connecting with my long-time Social Venture Network friend Jody R. Weiss during Climate Week NYC. She told me about Kindr and I shared about the Alliance for Sustainability’s Campaign for Sustainability, Health, Equity and Kindness (S.H.E. Kindness).
She introduced me to Rachel Karry and they both inspired me and the Alliance to assist with the Summit and explore collaborating with Dr. Rose Chu from Elevating Educators and the Kindr Foundation to test their curriculum in MN and then hopefully the nation, along with the Alliance’s Akepa Youth & School Program.
This is my attempt to give you a sense of the opportunity mindful kindness offers, as well as the threat of toxic kindness. So I’m sharing 5 top talks for me, plus one kindness holiday gift at the end.
Kindness as a Contagion and a Cost
Speakers shared the science documenting that kindness is contagious, affecting both those who give and receive it, as well as those just witnessing it. Better yet, it surprisingly then spreads from individuals to teams, workplaces and beyond.
What’s the cost of kindness? Zero, free, zilch. And what’s its value? Priceless. It goes well beyond niceness (even Minnesota niceness!) with plenty of evidence about its benefits for our overall well-being and mental and physical health to productivity and life span.
A Summit of Shining Stars
Hakeem McFarlane, an inspirational comedian and Founder of Choose Yourself Community, opened things up by asking all the participants to “Choose yourself to be kind”, starting with our first act, posture, and moving on to avoid toxics, from screens to food. He called on us to “Be kind to your mind before bed and when you wake up. Exercise, read, stretch. Choose your future self, your intention. Do what you said you’ll do. Keep the gratitude in your attitude.”
From there it was a day of back-to-back kindness gems followed the next day by a fabulous, first-ever, four-hour Kindr Workplace Workshop led by Shereen Eltobgy and Justin Freeman that can be taken into a business, school or organizational setting. We did get some mindfulness moments with Jody and got to get up and MoveJoy with Lavinia Errico, Founder of MoveJoy, Co-Founder of Equinox, Principal in First Point Partners.
And throughout there were invaluable points made by participants, like Brian Coleman, the LA-based creator of a revolutionary A Heart 2 Help app, which we all felt can be a transformative tool allowing us to fulfill our vision of co-creating a culture of kindness in communities globally.
My Top Five Kindness Hits
Here’s a sampling of 5 highlights for me:
#1 Scaling Kindness as a Super Power
Kindr founder Dr. Doug Carnine, author of 50 textbooks and more than 100 scholarly publications, said “Kindness is a super power for youth and adults.” He shared, “This is a momentous day for me,” and “I hope these presentations will help create a roadmap for scaling kindness.” He emphasized that “Scaling must be done collaboratively. Some have expertise in different areas. We need to fit the pieces together to create a road map.”
He highlighted the message he and his wife Linda received from the Dalai Lama that “kindness work is so important.” Doug explained how Kindr is creating instructional programs about “mindful kindness” and that “Mindfulness and meditation are essential to fostering awareness.”
He said, “In 1968 I began consulting with students suffering from serious challenges. We designed instructional materials for this troubled population.” He pointed out that “Mindfulness is often for the privileged” but that Kindr is reaching out to individuals with serious needs so “they can be part of the vanguard for spreading kindness.”
His daughter’s sharing a book about an incarcerated individual led to Doug’s book St. Badass and Kindr’s Prison Program. At the same time, he spoke of the need for the Kindr Workplaces Program and creating a “Kindness Quotient”.
#2 From the Bullied and Gaslit Brain to Kindness as Healer and Miracle Worker
Dr. Jen Fraser, author and Founder of the BulliedBrain.com, knocked it out of the park with her dire, all-too-relevant today cutting-edge research confronting how bullies manipulate kindness, as reflected in her “The Bullied Brain” series for Psychology Today and her forthcoming new book, The Gaslit Brain: Protect Your Workplace from the Lies of Bullying, Gaslighting, and Institutional Complicity, which comes out in the fall of 2025.
She explained the deeply troubling pathways that are used by some and warned how “We have to fight for kindness amidst the Dark Triad: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathology. Jen explained that bullying and abuse flourish because perpetrators “use kindness to manipulate us. We come open-hearted and want to help” but it’s a formula for disaster. She said, “Rehabilitation can be done but the earlier it’s addressed the better…our brains are able to change.”
Jen explained that “Kindness is nature’s medicine and bullying takes the medicine of kindness and turns it into a poison.” The oxytocin released from kindness is a healing agent but bullying “releases cortisol that does damage to our brain.”
She alerted us that, “We’re talking about a public health crisis if we continue on this trajectory. When a child is bullying they’re waving a flag that they are extremely unwell. Everything should stop and we should make an intervention. If we can stop the bullying we can change the trajectory.”
Jen explained that “Narcissists, Machiavellians, sociopaths and psychopaths frequently have traumatized brains from abuse and neglect. Their affective empathy is eroded. It is extinguished. 10 regions of the brain are involved.” She said, “People who run organizations must become experts in affective empathy: walking in another’s shoes. You get enormous satisfaction from your affective empathy. You want to help them.”
But by helping the psychopathic person who does evil things, “All you are doing is helping them affect others,” which is “fatal” for everyone.
Jen then pointed to a second kind of empathy, “cognitive empathy”. It explains how “charming colleagues can absolutely decimate kids. It’s the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Jekyll is the pillar of community and goes to church.” Their spouse likely has never seen Mr. Hyde, even though “they cohabit the same body. They are a borderline personality disorder. They cover up what they do.”
The danger is that “they can read you like a book with cognitive empathy. You’re a pawn on the board.You don’t exist. You are the target or groomed beneficiary.” An example is Harvey Weinstein, who can march for women and seems to be the last person who could do something to harm people. Jen points out that perhaps half of their co-workers but the other half are harmed.
What Jen calls for is “empathy management” because “Unless I’m aware of what I’m doing. I’ll make a ton of unconscious biased mistakes. The dark triad makes us all feel connected. They’ll test the waters.” The Dark Triad will seek to put some in an outgroup and make you complicit. “Their strategy is to divide. How do good leaders get pulled in? Kindness. They lean on Dr. Jeckl. I’ll protect you. The Whistleblower gets booted out. The truth teller gets removed.”
To address this challenge she suggests employers conduct an anonymous survey. She warned, “Don’t think you know what’s going on if you get reports. Gather as much info as possible. You’ll see a split with half saying how great the person is and the other half saying they’re a destructive person.”
She suggests sitting the person down and having them get help to be rehabilitated for 6 months. She believes one group can recover but those with eroded empathy won’t and cautioned, “resist the impulse of second chances.” They must be removed from the organization.
She said brain science now allows us to know about the Dark Triad. She is calling for quick brain scans for kids at 12 years old to detect and treat these abnormalities in the same way kids have dental exams.
Jen concluded, “The world is ready to exit the outdated bullying / abuse paradigm and enter into the new brain-informed neuroparadigm that teaches kindness is a healer, a connector, a miracle-worker, a leveller of the playing field, a brain enhancer, a community-builder, a joyful practice of health and happiness.”
#3 The First Kindness City Mayor in the US Connects with the Dalai Lama and Lady Gaga
I had the privilege of introducing Tom Tait, the former Mayor of the City of Anaheim, CA (2010-2018) and now CEO of Tait and Associates, who led Anaheim’s effort to become First City of Kindness in the US. He initiated the program after seeing signs around town, “Make Kindness Contagious,” that had been put up by a holistic doctor who lost his daughter to a car accident.
He had served 10 years on the City Council and was frustrated by the “Whac-A-Mole of symptom treating”. He immediately became clear “kindness was the answer.” He decided to run for Mayor on this platform for kindness, “Otherwise, I would have been eaten from within. I won by a lot.” It was inspiring to hear all of the kindness accomplishments that took place, including:
- A One Million Acts of Kindness Pledge with the Anaheim Union School District. Tom called it, “the coolest thing ever” as it “builds a spark in your body like fireworks.” He said it “changed the schools” with the 350,000 kids ”leading the City on kindness” and that it got the attention of the Dalai Lama.
- The “Hi Neighbor” Program, encouraging neighbors to get to know one another through acts of kindness and social infrastructure
- The “Coming Home Anaheim” Program, coordinating the work and resources of local community and religious groups to provide homes and help for the homeless
The result of all of this was that the Dalai Lama invited Tom to meet with him in India, where they spent 3 days together with Archbishop Desmond Tutu. Then the Dalai Lama celebrated his 80th birthday in Anaheim and Lady Gaga came speak, along with wealthy business leader and philanthropist Philip Anschutz. Tom said they “All believe kindness is the path to peace.”
In 2016 Tom got a call from the White House following the turmoil from officer involved shootings. President Obama got together an emergency task force and met Tom and the others for 5 hours and spoke about kindness. Tom shared, “Once you’re in the space it led to incredible things I couldn’t imagine. Stanford Medical School began a Center for Kindness and measured the positive effects and UCLA began a Center for Kindness.
He ended by pointing to the difference kindness has made on everything from senior loneliness to better community policing, saying “all the symptoms get better. I haven’t thought of one thing that doesn’t get better when people are kinder.”
#4 The 5 Elements of Kindness
Dr. Scott Glassman, psychologist, author of A Happier You and Founder and Director of the Applied Positive Psychology Program at the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine poignantly shared that “18-29% of students are subject to bullying” and “My story of becoming a psychologist began in places of unkindness. You wonder if you’re deserving of kindness.” He then shared about each of the 5 elements of kindness:
- Attention – “One of the most powerful tools is attention. Increasing our attention and what we’re placing it on” is critical. He sought to create more holistic and preventive health services, saying, “We found that as we helped people get more control over attention and combined it with more kindness they felt more hopeful and were more inclined to do kind things.”
Scott conducted a quick exercise, asking us to “Think about a time you were kind to yourself. Notice all the good feelings that arise from that experience. What led you to take that self-nurturing step? What does that step mean about you in a good way? Where does that leave you? What are you inspired to do?”
He then explained, “When we’re talking about these kinds of exercises we’re creating a new chemistry, a new table of kindness: Mindful attention to good. A warm cup of tea, a compliment.”
He leads sessions over seven weeks and said, “We get caught up in what’s going wrong in our lives as opposed to what’s going right,” adding he seeks to create an “Upward spiral of well-being. Pull resources into our lives. Experience more positive emotions. Every time that cycle starts, it leaves you in a higher place. That energy can be perpetuated.” - Kinetic Social Movements – “Share good things, strengths. Create a communal celebration of what we have to celebrate. One activity is happiness book marks. We have people bring in objects of things that represent something good about themselves – pictures of pets, certificates.”
Facilitators and group members then support them, increasing their own valuation. He noted that “social network research shows that if you become happy, someone in the proximity of you has a 25% higher chance of being happy. I think it’s higher than that. If you post something happy on Facebook, someone far away will feel it. As Emily Dickinson said, ‘The inner paints the outer.’” - Broadening our Definition of Health – “We have a script for acts of kindness. Kindness reduces levels of chronic pain, blood pressure and vagal nerve issues. Just witnessing kindness increases oxytocin. If you help or volunteer in a regular way you have a 20% less mortality risk. It’s the cheapest, fastest medication on the market with no side effects. We need to make kindness another vital sign.”
- Nature – “For thousands of years, nature has been a powerful advocate for kindness. A tree produces more than it receives. Each tree produces enough oxygen for two people and sends out healthy nutrients.”
- Relationships – “Deep listening without advice or judgment. Dr. Kristin Neff speaks about the interpersonal acknowledgement of our common humanity. I think about the boy that bullied me in 7th grade. He didn’t know how he expressed his pain. He gave me a gift. Because of you I can feel kindness on a deeper level.”
#5 Kindness Worldwide and You – Magic in Our Midst and Miracles as Our Destiny
I was honored to both speak and facilitate an impressive panel on Sustainable Cities and Scaling Kindness with Dr. Maxinne Leighton, Rosie Von Lila and Kevin Smith, Founder of Kindness Worldwide. Kevin shared the inspiring story of how the simple act of a stranger returning his lost wallet opened him to kindness and led him one amazing act of kindness and connection after another to found a growing global movement for kindness. He summarized the incredible power each of us has to create the world anew in a post after:
There is Magic in our midst and Miracles as our Destiny 💫
With passion and purpose, all is possible when you believe in the “I’m”possible.
Want to know the secret to changing the world?
Hint: look in the mirror
The world’s greatest superpower, and its greatest source of untapped potential, is one possessed by all.
The key to unleashing it?
Look not to others, but search within.
The transformative power of kindness is within you IF you choose to exercise it.
The story of Kindness Worldwide is proof that no act of kindness is too small to make a difference and change a life.
AnyONE can make a lasting impact – and even change the world – through kind actions.
Why not…You?
I say…Why not…”Us?” 🙏
A Great Kindness Holiday Gift – A Hug-in-a-Box
Sara Truebridge was so moved by the Summit that she wanted to give back and offer a special kindness holiday gift. Anyone who goes to her Edlinks website and shows kindness to an educator by sending them a Hug-in-a-Box (a great holiday gift), will receive a 5% discount on the purchase AND 10% of the proceeds will go directly to the Kindr Foundation when they use the code: kindr24.
Kindness Can Change Everything
As the Kindr Foundation shared in a LinkedIn message, “Together, we are not just imagining a kinder world – we are actively building it, one mindful act at a time. Let’s continue to embrace the habit of kindness and its profound ability to change everything.”
And I totally agree with Doug Carnine’s comment, “It was truly inspiring to see how kindness can unite such an extraordinary group of individuals, each making a unique impact on the world.”