Overcoming the Uncivil Wars, Part 9: Avoiding Battles with Our Allies — Solving Disparate Views, from Darwin to AI 

Moving from Exasperation to Possibility

Terry: Thanks – I’m a little confused by all of this, but I might offer two thoughts that are worth the value of what you paid for them.

First, I’ve been taught in communication and therapy that one of the most important things to do, especially amidst a breakdown like you’re having with this person, is to share back what you heard from them so they feel you get what they’re communicating.

Then, once they know you get it, you can ask them questions about various aspects (including you inching towards your seemingly similar understanding) to hear their perspectives in a more open way on their turf. They may still be rigid, but you can softly explore whether it’s a language difference or a more fundamental disagreement, either of which could be enlightening.

The one big thing to avoid is the use of the word “but” at all costs, and substituting the word “and” in order to avoid confrontation, counter responses and “either/or”, all of which are losers.

Second, from the snippet I see, the “Capitalist” statement is a set-up for dominance, power over, “this is the only truth”, and a host of other negative trigger responses that will end the possibility of dialogue and connection. It’s a disaster of relationship and ideology waiting to happen.

It sets up a rigidity for a counter-response that will likely trigger the other party and end true dialogue, leaving both parties in opposing camps with little chance for consensus or collaboration, just negative, judgmental positions.

So, even if everything the “Capitalist” said is correct (which I don’t think is the case), it will never be fully heard given it’s the “best.”

“Kropotkin” shares a view that I agree with (counter to how I had always been taught), but given the set-up, it is unlikely to be heard. And of course, underneath it all is a pretty fundamental disagreement on Darwin’s theory in application to us as humans and our economic system.

You didn’t ask for this, but I’ll just add my two cents (High price! Do we still have Pennies?!).

Fortunately, the awareness of Darwin’s cooperation model is growing but not fast enough in the face of dominance, control and survival of the fittest, as exemplified by the race to dominate sucky AI by the US, China, Russia and various other bad actors – true survival of the fittest.

Meanwhile, the aliens in the UFOs around us are looking on in disbelief as mega billionaires and their corporate or state-controlled bodies race to the bottom, dooming us all with their “victory”, winning all the spoils and spoiling everything. In due course, their AI arms race will assure mutual mass destruction of humanity, most species (spare the radioactive cockroaches!) and the living systems on this sacred planet.

When will we ever learn?
When will we ever learn?
Thanks for asking this poignant, profound question Pete Seeger. “Where have all the flowers gone?”

Round Two: From Exasperation to Possibility

SVNer (only partially shared here): That’s beautiful, Terry. Thanks for sharing your ideas and learnings. That’s what I hoped for when I posted, and you did, and I’m grateful.

I don’t know what happened tbh. Clearly the conversation he was having was about something different than what I thought we were talking about – and I don’t know what.

I worry a bit that this young person is going to have a hard time with me going forward. Despite my fervent wish that we figure out how to understand one another, because this person is dearly beloved by my niece and her family.

Terry: Thanks for sharing your heart-felt pain. I feel it and want to send you my love, hugs and positive energy.

I might also share this is an incredible opportunity for healing and growth.

Four Powerful Tools for Connecting and Overcoming

I have four thoughts based on too many years of painful experiences, along with lots of reading, meditation, yoga, Chi Gong, EST, Landmark Education, AMFM, Newport Institute, Aleph Jewish Renewal, invaluable therapy with Dr. John Nash, and guidance from my extraordinary therapist friends, Ann Scott Dumas and Dr. Yvette Erasmus:

First, breathe. Breathing is more than the key to life, it allows our bodies to shift from a state of dysregulation, which you’ve likely been feeling, to a place of presence and equanimity where you can access and utilize your innate wisdom and ability to discover solutions.

Second, I imagine you have felt a similar pain before. It probably is a trigger reminding you of some sort of challenging experience you had as a child, as Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks point out in their 1990 breakout book, Conscious Loving. Chapter 3 or 4 is about the transformative and forever empowering concept of the “microscopic truth”. You can read about it or I’d be happy to explain how it works.

The core idea is that the experience probably takes you back to a childhood experience when you were judged or rejected. It’s important to hug that little child inside and remind yourself you deserve to be loved so that your adult self can fully return to the conversation as an empowered being, even being empathetic towards the other person. I feel it’s a key to ending uncivil wars.

Third, one great thing about my loving, conscious uncoupling divorce 7 years ago was my discovery of the extraordinary therapist (now friend) Dr. Yvette Erasmus (she has hundreds of phenomenal short and impactful YouTubes) and her work with Non-Violent Communication, one of most effective ways for helping us heal and deal with others. It provides a simple recipe for processing difficult encounters and how we can not only meet our fundamental needs, but those of others as well. Again, I’d be happy to talk with you about it.

And finally, let go of the seriousness and heaviness of the topic and approach it as an incredible and sacred gift for you. It can actually be a playful exploration for learning and growth in which you express a true interest in understanding and experiencing him. He will likely be blown away by your interest in truly seeing him. Who knows what you will discover?! It may unlock new openings, connection and allyship. It may solve the mystery you feel confronted by.

I can’t wait to hear what happens. (edited)

Final Insights

Here are four concluding thoughts:

1. 1. Entering the Conversation – It really matters how we enter and frame a discussion. It affects how we interact with each other and unintentionally get locked in to opposing positions even when we might actually be in agreement. Our languaging makes all the difference.
   2. Key Transformative Responses – We need to know we don’t have to respond in the all-too-common battle over differences, but have a number of options, from simply breathing and acknowledging what the other person said to understanding the deeper unmet needs at stake and seeking to fulfill them with a win-win exploration.
   3. Conventional and Newer, Transformative Views on Darwin – There are two key opposing views of Darwin’s work. The first is the conventional: We need to engage in a dog-eat-dog battle for survival of the fittest. This certainly dominates and has played a key role in cementing our views of capitalism. However, there is a more recent understanding of Darwin’s work that focuses on cooperation in which species actual survive based on their ability to cooperate. This is a far more life-giving and inspiring understanding.
   4. The Dangers of a Dog-Eat-Dog AI Race – It appears that there is an AI race to dominate by mega-billionaires based on the survival of the fittest model. This will likely lead to MAD as (mutual assured destruction, as coined by the nuclear race) some bad actor or a government creates an AI Doomsday machine, which at the very least it will not only unemploy us but rule and outsmart us slow, naive humans that will become an expendable nuisance.

Yes, I know the last one was a big curveball but I feel is necessary to highlight because we’re all caught in the grasp of AI. It’s definitely one of the most overwhelming topics to discuss civilly, but perhaps the most significant given its implications.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on what you’ve found that works to avoid our personal conversational battles. I’ll be happy to share them with the SVN community if you’d like. Even better, come join us!