By Jen Fraser, PhD
Think back, when was it that we suddenly saw one another as enemies. Differing ideas, opinions, beliefs have always been there and are valid, but abruptly we have slid against our nature into an oppositional, degrading, accusatory populace.
We seem to be caught in a polarized, judgmental and objectifying way of being in which both sides have contempt for “the other,” barely, if at all, seeing them as worthy human beings. It has intensified to the point that 31% of Republicans and 28% of Democrats feel violence may be necessary.
These divisions are further fueled by certain leaders that all too readily utilize lying, bullying and gaslighting to achieve their divisive ends. In some cases, they may even be classified as sociopathic narcissists or even psychopaths.
Extensive research shows that those who objectify others suffer from “empathy erosion.” This is a dangerous way to think and act from leaders to regular citizens.
For most people this not only feels inappropriate, disrespectful and demeaning, but leads to feelings of overwhelm, alienation and powerlessness.
A common response is, “How do I get out of this place?” and “What country can I flee to?” But the truth is that there’s no place to flee to because these character types are everywhere and in all institutions. So the big question is, “What can we do?” And furthermore, “Why are we susceptible to messaging that trains us to loathe and want to silence differing ideas and opinions?”
The great news is that there are important steps we can all take to start turning this manufactured crisis around and create a world of sustainability, health, equity and kindness. The first step is to understand how lying, bullying and gaslighting operate so we’re not vulnerable and not at risk.
The second step is to understand why those in positions of extreme power benefit from us being pitted against one another and divided. We must ask at every turn: “How do they benefit from us being at one another’s throats?”
The third step is to take back our power, return to being fully human and regain a sense of empathy and respect for those we most fervently disagree with while creating spaces free of fear. Why? Because those acting violently are suffering from the same patterns of fear, emotional trauma and even abuse that most of us are.
It’s time to listen to extensive research and sidestep the manipulation of those who benefit from us all feeling afraid. Fomenting fear is an excellent way to control people and make them act against one another and their own best interests. It is how terrorists operate.
The good news is that understanding fear and why abusive leadership leans on it creates an extraordinary, hopeful possibility for healing and living together despite our differences. This may be, in fact, the most important work any of us can do.
So, let’s get started.
Bullies and Gaslighters: Both Use Fear and Humiliation as Weapons
Those who bully use three simple tools, whether it’s on the playground or in the board room: fear, humiliation, and favoritism. The targets are humiliated and afraid. The favorites are given unearned benefits and are afraid they’ll lose them and become targets. Fear runs the show.
Gaslighting is the targeted practice of abusing someone through manipulation into losing faith and trust in their own sanity. It gets the person to believe falsehoods about themselves. When you report wrongdoing, harmful behavior, or hurtful acts, the gaslighter says: you caused that, the fault lies with you, you’re deranged, you’re a lunatic. No one should believe you because you’re unable to see and assess reality.
Gaslighting is an effective tool for those who abuse others and need to deflect from their maltreatment, lies and harm. The bully uses gaslighting to discredit you, make you seem untrustworthy, lay blame for the crisis at your feet. If you internalize this reversal, then you are gaslit.
Lies Are an Essential Tool for Bullying
Both bullying (and gaslighting) depend on lies and manipulation. Bullying leans on two fundamental lies: one – you are not worthy; and two – you do not belong. Those who abuse will use any random, irrelevant detail to make these two lies appear to be factual and accurate. The bully will say they can maltreat you and strip you of your human rights because:
- Your skin colour (laughably irrelevant)
- Your religion (there are too many religions, where is the bully drawing the line?)
- Your hair (why does it matter?)
- Your laugh (who cares?)
- Your name (says more about the limits of the bully)
- Your clothes, financial status, address, partner, job, challenges like disability, education, gender, your weight, you being an immigrant, migrant, refugee, etc. (in other words, they’ll find anything, anything to try and say you are not worthy and you do not belong).
While bullying depends on flimsy, superficial excuses, it can physically damage brain architecture and function. It can leave neurological scars visible on brain scans. It can make targets suffer so that they struggle to push back and defend themselves. Bullies try to make you afraid because it wrecks your brain and increases their power over you.
Both Bullies and Gaslighters Suffer from Empathy Erosion
Where does the impulse to bully actually originate? And where does gaslighting come in?
Those who bully and gaslight are in old-fashioned terms committing “evil.” But in contemporary neuroscience terms, from experts who study the brain, bullies and gaslighters suffer from “empathy erosion.”
When someone suffers from empathy erosion they may become a narcissist or may well have such a damaged brain that they are diagnosed as a psychopath. They may act in charismatic, alluring, clever ways, but they don’t feel the pain of others and thus can hurt people – and even creatures – without a second thought.
Those who have significant empathy erosion – aka psychopaths – can destroy someone’s life and then have a nice dinner with their family and go to sleep. They can murder people and then go out for drinks with friends. They don’t feel guilt, anguish or remorse. They are extremely dangerous individuals.
Why We Need Empathy
Leaders in the field, like Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen and Dr. Helen Reiss, argue that getting training and building up robust and strong empathy are essential for all of us to undertake. Why? Because empathy is how we understand one and relate to one another.
Through empathy we can live in harmony, create community and build civilization. Empathy is our ability to have our own thoughts, feelings and intentions, while at the same time, being able to imagine the thoughts, feelings and intentions of others. This skill is the key to sharing, compassion, protection, critical-thinking and complex discussion, debate and dialogue.
Making People Afraid Can Lead to Violence
Psychopaths have a “gamelike fascination” in manipulating others. They love command and control scenarios whereby they can make or break someone. They love coercion where they can play the strongman. It’s a trait seen in all dictators. They love to pull the puppet strings and watch objectified others perform.
Fear is the greatest technique for psychopaths seeking to reduce others – whether favorites or targets – into pawns on their chessboard. They instill fear in others to derail them from their normal, healthy, caring selves. They whip them up into a frenzy of fear so they can push them to lose control, act madly, vandalize and hurt others: the more afraid, the more violent.
There’s Hope in Understanding Those Who Act Violently: They Feel a Serious Threat
Most of us feel the greatest challenge is facing someone who uses words and actions in a deeply disturbing, violent way. What would happen if we could understand the source of their lashing out? Could it be the first step to creating a solution to address their deep pain and fear?
When someone feels the impulse to lash out, to strike, to attack, it’s helpful to recognize that in fact this aggression is being fueled by its opposite: a sense of being under serious threat.
When individuals or groups say they will resort to violence, another way to hear this is, “We are beyond stressed out; we feel our very lives are at risk.”
Human beings threatening violence resemble a dog that is baring its teeth, backing into a corner, raising its fur, growling. Most of us know when a dog acts like this, as you reach out to pat it or offer it food, it’s because it has been hurt and harmed too many times. Humans do not need to be beaten repeatedly, like dogs, to feel extreme threat.
We can feel desperately at risk from more complex stressors such as belief-systems, religious fanaticism, financial oppression, unjust and humiliating treatment, childhood suffering, and so on. It doesn’t take repeat violence to turn us into snarling angry creatures.
What’s even more challenging is that when we feel this way, our brain and body are priming us to fight because they don’t know that we are feeling extreme stress from finance or injustice of our God being threatened. The brain and body – taking their cues from how we are in the moment – interpret stress to mean we are face to face with a predator. Adrenaline and cortisol start flooding into our system so we have all the required power to fight.
This is often true with suicide. It’s critically important to know that when people attempt suicide – yet another violent act directed at our own selves – the moment it’s set in motion, they frequently regret it. Why? Because violence is an act of desperation. It’s fueled by fear and is not our true selves. Our adrenaline and cortisol do not flood our brains and bodies when we’re feeling safe and connected.
The Antidote to the Toxic Cycle of Violence – Collectively Creating Safety and Community
Sadly, it only takes one individual to endanger us – psychopaths want you to feel afraid. If that person is a psychopath and in a position of power, it puts us all at risk. Clearly, that individual must be confronted, held to account and isolated because training or rehabilitation is unlikely to change their behavior.
But even if the psychopath is removed, we are still left with a fear-based, polarized society. How do we address those divisions? Dr. Stephen Porges’ research shows that feeling safe is the absolute foundation to a healthy society.
The antidote to the toxic cycle of violence is working as a collective to create feelings of safety and community.
We can channel our stress and sense of threat into caring for one another. We don’t need to fall prey to those who want to divide and conquer.
We can harness our brilliant brains to figure out a better way to find the calm, secure, problem-solving, creative strategies humans can generate when we feel safe.
Jennifer Fraser, PhD is the author of the forthcoming The Gaslit Brain (November 4, 2025 is the publication date). Her 2022 book, The Bullied Brain anticipated it. The Bullied Brain is about how to recover and repair from the physical damage all forms of bullying can do to brains. The Gaslit Brain is a playbook on how to stop the trauma from happening in the first place. Dr. Fraser is an award-winning educator and author of five books.